If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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