Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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