Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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