News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
