I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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