i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
