I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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