I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
