I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
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If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
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sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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