we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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