new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
