kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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