please come you make the beer taste better
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
