So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
