i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
