Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
