Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
people are starting to question the shark bite story
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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