If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
