Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
