What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
