i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
