what day is it and did you see me today?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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