Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
