Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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