so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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