I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
