plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I checked into jail on foursquare
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
