This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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