He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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