so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
