You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Randomize
