Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
