Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
