blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
