I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
