I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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