Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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