dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
