why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
