The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Hippo gnu deer
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
