Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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