My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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