Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
