my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
