I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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