I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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