Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
