You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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