the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
