So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
