wanna go halves on a baby?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
