I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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