I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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