She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
