hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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