I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
