you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
