Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
