I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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